The Poorly Written News 04/10/10
The complete fund required to repair the gates of the Dáil from a concerned cement truck which chipped off some paint became public yesterday.
Speaking at Govt buildings, having just come from TCD’s careers week (where he attended the seminar “Outshining The Master – Re-thinking Your Boss & Rising To The Top Of Your Organisation, With A Winning CV”), Finance Minister Brian Lenihan proudly delivered the inconclusive figures of the report to conclude days of number crunching. Addressing an increasingly familiar group of broadcasters outside the buildings, Lenihan admitted he believes the report will assuage the concerns of citizens and hopes to “cement relations with opposition leaders”. When questioned later on whether the irony of his statement had been lost on him, the finance Minister hesitantly assured the public that an inquiry would ensue instantaneously in several weeks time.
Leader of the opposition Enda Kenny commented on the total cost of repainting the gates, seeing the soaring expense as “ludicrous, reflecting this government’s inability to foresee the public use of heavy machinery as a vehicle for protest”. The pun was reportedly not intended. Kenny added that “the signs of such an impending demonstration were obvious to everyone, certainly me... and if anyone else in my party disagrees with me they’re getting f***ed right out”.
Labour leader Eamon Gilmore gave a tearful address clutching James Connolly’s statue where he bemoaned the knock on effect of repainting the gates on the common worker, suggesting, vehemently, that “the top 1% should have to pay for the paint job”. After having given his statement, Gilmore left the scene on a ‘Dublinbikes’ bicycle uttering something precise about nursing an injured puppy back to health and aiding a man from Westmeath with his combine harvester work, loud enough for everyone to hear.
Brian Cowen was unavailable for comment and had reportedly already drunk 3 litres of the paint in the Dáil bar. An anonymous Clare Fianna Fáil T.D. admitted “the craic was mighty, yeeeow”.
